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Shell Shocked: Rewriting the Declaration of Independence

January 9, 2019
By ART STEVENS , Island Reporter, Captiva Current, Sanibel-Captiva Islander

My bifocals fell off my nose the other day. It happened just as I had planned to rewrite the Declaration of Independence. When I got up from my chair to retrieve my glasses I heard a crunch. I had inadvertently stepped on my glasses and crushed them. The glass was totally shattered and I was helpless.

Without my glasses I couldn't see the computer screen and was unable to write. But I am dauntless and fearless and decided to try anyway. Here is my rewritten version of the D of I.

When in the course of event planning and dinner at the Savoy men and women gather to play pickle ball and discuss parenting methods, there comes a time when frivolity and curiosity blend into a shaker and we must make amends and hasten to unravel spinning yarn.

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Art Stevens

So far so good. I think I've captured the essence of man's inhumanity to man and have suggested a path that would lead us all to the nearest convenience store.

Uh, oh, a bit of dementia is seeping in. I have to concentrate better to rewrite the Declaration of Independence or I'll go astray. But why would I want an ash tray? I don't smoke nor do I know anyone else who currently smokes. Instead of an ash tray I would like to build my own Liberty Bell and have it ring throughout the land to signify the freedom we obtained by starting a war against the Boston Red Sox until the Treaty of Versailles allowed the Red Sox to train in Fort Myers before their shuffleboard season starts.

I'm not making any sense. Readers, stay with me. I have a lot of wisdom to impart. Or is it expart? Is there such a word? Let me look it up. The closest I come is ex parte which means:

Ex parte matters are usually temporary orders (like a restraining order or temporary custody) pending a formal hearing or an emergency request for a continuance. Most jurisdictions require at least a diligent attempt to contact the other party's lawyer of the time and place of any ex parte hearing.

Ex parte suggests lack of independence which goes against the grain of the Declaration of Independence which is currently a document given to recently divorced couples. You must show this federally authorized document to log on to dating websites otherwise you can get arrested for violating the terms of the Declaration of Independence.

The old Declaration of Independence begins "All men are created equal." How politically incorrect. Where does this leave women? It leaves them with a Declaration of Independence that no longer applies to the role women have in our society today. That document should now be renamed the Declaration of Women's Independence and be legislated into law.

But what about declarative sentences? No they're not prison terms. They're part of the rules of grammar. In case you've forgotten your fifth grade grammar, here is the definition of a declarative sentence.

A declarative sentence states a fact. This word can be used to describe any action or speech that makes a statement. Declarative sentences are the opposite of questions. Known as a "mood" in the grammar world, you can also use declarative to describe other things that make a definite statement. Huh? This definition went over my head. But the preceding sentence still meets the definition of a declarative sentence - even if it went over my head. But birds flying over my head are not considered declarative sentences. The definition states that you can also use declarative to describe other things that make a definite statement.

This includes such other statements as "take out the garbage," or "get a life" or "sticks and bones will break my bones but names will never hurt me" or "blackened, please, not grilled."

I now realize it's extremely difficult to rewrite the Declaration of Independence without knowing why I want to rewrite it. I must have had a reason at some point but I've completely forgotten it. I've decided to lighten my load. I will completely rewrite next week's edition of the Island Reporter and Islander.

 
 

 

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